Tuesday, 27 December 2016

32,000 stitches

Crochet saved me.





This is how I managed to survive a pregnancy where I was really sick and nauseous for almost all of it and more difficult, had antenatal depression. Do you know, I don't want to always talk about this but it has been such a big deal over the last year and a bit. At first, it was all encompassing and even now as I feel better there is a lot of fear still there. I think talking about (well writing about) is one of the strongest ways to help so here we are. 

Time passing was the hardest. I used to wake up and think, oh no, another day to endure. Endure by the way is the right word, survive hints at something more than the shell I became. 

I'm feeling an awful lot better now, but I need to acknowledge what I've been through and how hard it was. It's almost like feeling traumatised - but I know that's too strong a word. Raw I think it better. It's like a scar that is still not healed. I read the term 'depression hangover' somewhere and that sums it up. I'm fragile, all too aware of what I have been through and every time I have a bad day I start to panic that the depression is coming back. I don't think it is. I just wish that this could be solved with a bacon buttie! 

Back to the 32,000 stitches. I crocheted my way through pregnancy. I counted stitches rather than be in my own head and I made things. It was a healthy way to deal with it and it helped me to cope. It didn't really make me feel better but it did pass the time. 

One of my projects (there were a lot) was a blanket for a king size bed. It had 32,000 stitches in it. 


It's a king sized bed size, corner to corner (often called c2c) crochet pattern which I learned from a Youtube tutorial by Bella Coco. Link here.

Strangely, I think I sound like Bella. Anyway, the pattern was very easy once I had the hang of it. What was difficult was choosing colours. Depression robbed me of my decision making skills and it seemed to take longer to decide what the next row colour should be than to crochet it. 

I made the blanket in four identical quarters, and then sewed them together. 






I used mostly Aldi wool for this project, as I was saving every penny for maternity leave. I'm really glad I did as now I'm about to go into my last three months of time off, and had I not saved, I would be going back to work now. And, I'm not ready yet. 




I'm sat on this blanket right now, to write this. It was originally intended for my bedroom and the colours match that room. However, my baby often naps in the front room and I try and catch up on sleep by snuggling under this on the sofa. I try for a Nasa nap (26 minutes, supposed to restore mental function. Not sure it's working fully, but at least I can concentrate a little!). 





I actually like it, it's a memento of a difficult time, but looking at it makes me feel stronger. I got through it. I didn't fold. Thank goodness.